Letters from a long time ago

To be given to any possible future children I might have, provided I ever even seriously consider having them, on the 7th of their birthdays and again when they then 18.

To my dearest son/daughter,

I hope the day never comes when you hear me and your father, or me and you, or anyone and anyone shouting at each other. It’s not a good feeling. It usually happens when people are hurting and they throw words to the other to make them hurt as well, to make them feel their pain. You may think that words don’t hurt as much as rocks do but they hurt even more. When a someone throws a rock at a person they don’t remember the particular rock (it’s a round rock with a tiny point in its underside and sorta flat, kinda reddish but that may just be the blood stain) but when people throw words at another to hurt them they stay in your mind; those hurtful hurtful words. Sometimes when said to a person of young age they stay longer; they stay for years, decades, and sometimes even the person’s life time.

Words can shape who a person will be. I know that. I learned that. When you’re told as a kid that you’re a burden you learn that. I started young, looking for a job, looking for a way to help, a way to get away so I won’t be a burden anymore. Even now I remember and even now I struggle to prove to myself that I am not a burden.

But I am not that strong dear; I quake at fights. I quake at shouting even when it’s not pointed at me. I feel scared and worthless and angry and disgusted all at the same time and I can’t help but cry. I can’t do shouts I don’t like them. I hope you never hear them like this from me or from anyone.

I am scared. I really truly am, that’s mostly it. When these things happen I am scared. I hope you won’t be.

I learned something when I was young, lost it when I was a bit older, and finally really learned it when I was well, even older than when I lost it. You decide your own value. The way you value yourself is all that matters because in the end you’re stuck with yourself and no one else is. Everyone at one point goes away except for yourself and that’s why you have to learn to live in your own company. When you know what your value is it doesn’t matter what other people think. It’s good to have your own back. It’s good to know that your worth isnt based on other it’s based on yourself.

So my dearest be careful out there in the world. “For the night is dark and full of terrors” as a TV show once said, but you’ll make it if you believe in yourself. I believe in you.

Love,
Mama

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